“Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” This is one of my all-time favorite quotes by the legendary John Wooden. Depressingly enough, it’s also the exact same quote I started my dad’s eulogy with.
Adversity, according to its dictionary listing, is defined as “a state or instance of continued difficulty or misfortune.” But let’s leave off the phrase “or misfortune.” Now we define adversity simply as “a state or instance of continued difficulty.” Why leave off the phrase “or misfortune?” Fantastic question.
No matter the magnitude of the situation, there is always an opportunity in adversity.
Always.
No two people in this world, no matter how similar they are, have lived the exact same life (trust me - I have a twin brother). We all have different struggles. I’m not going to pretend to understand what growing up in a violence-filled neighborhood stricken with poverty is like because I don’t have the first clue. But I do understand what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age. I know what it’s like to have inner demons so dark that I’ve lived life afraid of being in my own body.
In order to propel yourself out of the darkness, you must first find the strength and uniqueness in your struggles, your vulnerabilities, your story. The day you stop feeling sorry for yourself and see that your struggles have made you who you are, is the day that you become bigger than what you’ve gone through. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to life and the adversity that undoubtedly comes along with it. So, the question of a lifetime… How do you use adversity as a source of strength?
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Accept the Discomfort
No painful experience is ever comfortable. As humans, we are wired to avoid discomfort at all costs. However, I would argue that nothing brilliant comes from comfort. The best music of all time was created to protest the wrongdoings of the government, the injustice in the world, the excruciating pain of true heartbreak. The best pieces of writing come from individuals who are deeply disturbed by what they see in the world or by how they feel. The stories of true everyday heroes, the supermen and superwomen of the world, come to light during the times of darkness. To turn adversity into strength, you must accept the situation and embrace the discomfort. Do not try to suppress your emotions and immediately force yourself to return to a “happy” headspace. That will come in time, but I truly believe that you must feel things deeply in order to properly process and accept them. Nobody changed the world on a visceral level by living a comfortable, easy life.
It’s the discomfort that comes with adversity which forces your mind to grow and expand. With this growth comes new perspectives and the development of character. Adversity forces every individual to grow in unique ways. In my case, I have developed two very distinct sides to my personality. I am extremely empathetic; I feel for people so incredibly deeply. But (humble brag) I’m also tough as hell. I love that combination in myself. It was precisely the adversity in my life that both forced me to toughen up and also taught me the importance of truly caring about others. Let the challenges you face shape you.
Look at the Big Picture
One of the most influential things that I’ve heard in my life was a speech by Steve Jobs. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, only looking back.” During times of adversity, this is especially true. When shitty things are happening, it is so easy to say “Why me? Why can’t I catch a damn break?” When you partake in this type of dialogue, you are placing yourself at the center of all the hardship. When all of your energy is focused on what is currently going wrong, you are trying your best to stand tall, but it’s like there is a group of dark, ominous clouds closing in on you. This can easily overwhelm and overpower even the strongest of people. But when you can step back and realize that the adversity you are currently facing is only a portion of your journey, it’s like you are standing at the beginning of a long road. The road stretches as far as you can imagine. The clouds will come and go, but you can see that there is a way through these rough patches and that there is more to the journey ahead.
That being said, making sense of adversity will never be clear if you try to connect the dots looking forwards. The struggle you are currently facing, whatever that looks like, is leading you to something. It might be leading to a person, a specific moment in time, a place, an opportunity, an idea. The dots may connect 24 hours from now or 10 years from now. But you don’t know you’ve been led somewhere until you’re able to look back and see where you’ve come from. You can only connect the dots looking back. I think you will be surprised at the positive ways adversity can manifest itself if you just take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
Practice Gratitude over Everything
There’s a lot going on in the world right now. Even when there is chaos around us, it doesn’t mean that our personal lives are perfectly still. The trials and tribulations of being human are just as prevalent as ever. No matter how much is going on in the world, there is always so much more to be thankful for than there is to be upset about.
What was the first thing you did this morning? I’m going to guess: you opened your eyes. Were you thankful for that? Probably not consciously. We have a million and one blessings in our lives. Little things that really aren’t so little. When the majority of us wake up, we can see. Not only can we see, but also see in color. Maybe you have the blessing of being able to move your feet and walk. Maybe you are gifted enough to where you can run or even play sports. Maybe you have the ability to physically and verbally express yourself, to communicate.
There is so much that even the most grateful people take for granted. Why? Because we are used to our lives being this way, so we expect it to happen again tomorrow. In reality, the life that you know today might not be the life you have tomorrow. You can either place your focus on the things that you don’t have and the things that go wrong, or, you can focus on all that you have to be grateful for. When you start to consciously appreciate all that you have, big or small, the world will immediately not seem as dark.
Be Your Own Hero
Life can and will let you down at some point. Just as you have your own expectations for what your life should look like, so does everyone else. Life will not mold itself to fit your specific expectations. If you believe life will bend to fit your vision, you will find yourself disappointed. I don’t mean this in an overly pessimistic way, rather as a reminder to always keep in the back of your head.
You are the only person you can count on with 100% certainty. Even the people you love and trust most are capable of letting you down. You need to learn to rely on yourself; to rely on your mental strength when life doesn’t go as planned; to rely on your sense of humor and gratitude to cheer you up when things go to shit. You just don’t know with complete certainty that someone else will be there to pick you up when you fall. At the end of the day, you need to be your own hero.
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A wise, unknown American philosopher once said, “You can’t win ‘em all.” You just can’t. Life can be unbelievably hard. Everyone gets dealt their own hand of cards in life. Some hands are better than others, but no one gets through life without having a few bad cards. Instead of being upset, and wishing you got a different hand (something that’s entirely out of your control), learn to play with the cards you’ve been dealt. That means finding the right strategy to play your bad cards, too. I’ll tell you right now, crying isn’t the winning strategy. Don’t waste the opportunity in adversity. Don’t cry over SPILT MILK.
by Ari Ross - Strong Woman. Entrepreneur. Self-Proclaimed Occasional Dumbass.
Follow Ari on Instagram @arirosss
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