Don't Cry... Alone

Be the Outlier

One summer night, I was over at my buddy’s house. We were catching up over a few drinks by the pool after I got back from a trip abroad where I proposed to my now fiancée. My buddy’s father, a mentor in my life, decided to join us and see how we were doing. Hearing the news about my proposal, he told me, “You are defying your generation.” He laughed and patted my back, then returned to his living room. That statement really stuck with me. A few months later I discovered a book called “The Happiness Advantage” by Shawn Achor. He introduces the idea that our society is fixated on understanding and emphasizing the average. We never pay attention to the outliers that are above or below that average. But what if we did? What if we focused on becoming the outlier. Now, I’m not suggesting that everyone should get married at such a young age. What I'm saying is that it’s okay to be the outlier in your own way. If you’re doing something that is true to your heart, maybe it’ll even break down a social norm or two. Either way, if it feels right and it propels you forward, then it’s probably worth pursuing.

There is Enough Time in the Day

With my new engagement, not only do I continue to account for my own goals and ambitions, but now I also have to account for those of my partner. This adds an interesting dynamic to life in my early 20’s. In order to reach all these goals, I must maintain a certain discipline and fully embrace the “outlier” mentality. I work a full-time job, run 2 companies on the side, and serve on the board for 2 nonprofits. And after all my work is done, I spend my “free time” planning for my wedding in August. I’ve been asked how I manage everything I’m involved in. It sometimes leaves people in disbelief to hear that I can make everything happen given there are only 24 hours in a day. For me, it comes down to recognizing the importance of my relationship and the future I want. I stay motivated by maintaining a concentrated discipline and dedicating myself to time management. Because of this, I'm more productive than I’ve been in a long time. By positioning yourself to manage time more effectively and by not letting distractions interfere, you will get more done in less time and with less energy. Give it a try! Pick a day and schedule your goals (yes; even the things you’ve been putting off since last year). But do it strategically. Find the time slots that are most convenient in your life. Make an internal pinky promise that you’ll get the task done no matter what. Not because you have to, but because it’s one step closer towards your future success. Building on this incrementally will result in huge strides toward your goals in the long run. If you put in the time, it’s almost impossible not to succeed. This has allowed me to have more time to enjoy life once my work is done. I’ve been able to pick up a few new books, enjoy some cooking tutorials, and even learn how to code with Python. Honestly, there’s no secret recipe to how I make it work. For me, my engagement came with a shift from an “I” mentality to a “we” mentality, and that alone has motivated me to work at 110% in all areas of my life.

Relationships and Gratitude are the Highest Forms of Wealth

Though I enjoy everything I’m involved in, life is not all about “the grind.” Probably not what you expected to hear after everything I just touched on, right? But here’s the truth: you will burn out at some point if you choose the grind as your sole focus. Trust me, I’ve burned out plenty of times. It’s not worth the energy. Romantic or not, you have many relationships in life. What keeps me going outside of the grind is forming and maintaining those relationships. My friends are the best thing I could ask for in life. Without them, I lose sight of my personal endgame. The “we succeed” mentality I mentioned earlier should be applied to all relationships. If you’re not willing to help or provide guidance for others, especially those close to you, then you will lose in the long run. The goal should be to rise up and empower others, expressing gratitude, and maybe inspiring someone in the process. Something I hold dear to myself and what I identify with in the SPILT MILK philosophy most is gratitude. Every night, before I go to bed, I write down three things that went well that day. This can be anything from a simple meal to a great conversation. A great way to know you’re maintaining strong relationships is to write down a positive experience you had with a friend. Over time, you’ll see mutual empowerment through your support system. I’ve been doing this for several months now and it’s forced me to see all the good around me everyday. Realistically, you won’t have a great day every day, and it’s important to remember those bad experiences too. It’ll make you a more gracious person overall. 

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With a shift in perspective, you’ll develop the ability to be optimistic in just about any situation. Bottom line: be true to yourself with your goals, focus on the loved ones you have in your life, and work harder than everybody else. Life is an interesting game, but be optimistic as you play. If you get knocked down, get back up and hit harder. The reasonable optimist always ends up on top.

by Alika Chuck - AgTech pioneer. Wine connoisseur. Reasonable optimist.

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A Lesson in Playing Cards

“Don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” This is one of my all-time favorite quotes by the legendary John Wooden. Depressingly enough, it’s also the exact same quote I started my dad’s eulogy with.  

Adversity, according to its dictionary listing, is defined as “a state or instance of continued difficulty or misfortune.” But let’s leave off the phrase “or misfortune.” Now we define adversity simply as “a state or instance of continued difficulty.” Why leave off the phrase “or misfortune?” Fantastic question.  

No matter the magnitude of the situation, there is always an opportunity in adversity. 

Always.

No two people in this world, no matter how similar they are, have lived the exact same life (trust me - I have a twin brother). We all have different struggles. I’m not going to pretend to understand what growing up in a violence-filled neighborhood stricken with poverty is like because I don’t have the first clue. But I do understand what it’s like to lose a parent at a young age. I know what it’s like to have inner demons so dark that I’ve lived life afraid of being in my own body. 

In order to propel yourself out of the darkness, you must first find the strength and uniqueness in your struggles, your vulnerabilities, your story. The day you stop feeling sorry for yourself and see that your struggles have made you who you are, is the day that you become bigger than what you’ve gone through. You can’t control what happens to you, but you can control how you react to life and the adversity that undoubtedly comes along with it. So, the question of a lifetime… How do you use adversity as a source of strength?

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Accept the Discomfort 

No painful experience is ever comfortable.  As humans, we are wired to avoid discomfort at all costs. However, I would argue that nothing brilliant comes from comfort. The best music of all time was created to protest the wrongdoings of the government, the injustice in the world, the excruciating pain of true heartbreak. The best pieces of writing come from individuals who are deeply disturbed by what they see in the world or by how they feel. The stories of true everyday heroes, the supermen and superwomen of the world, come to light during the times of darkness. To turn adversity into strength, you must accept the situation and embrace the discomfort. Do not try to suppress your emotions and immediately force yourself to return to a “happy” headspace. That will come in time, but I truly believe that you must feel things deeply in order to properly process and accept them. Nobody changed the world on a visceral level by living a comfortable, easy life.  

It’s the discomfort that comes with adversity which forces your mind to grow and expand. With this growth comes new perspectives and the development of character. Adversity forces every individual to grow in unique ways. In my case, I have developed two very distinct sides to my personality. I am extremely empathetic; I feel for people so incredibly deeply. But (humble brag) I’m also tough as hell. I love that combination in myself. It was precisely the adversity in my life that both forced me to toughen up and also taught me the importance of truly caring about others. Let the challenges you face shape you.

Look at the Big Picture

One of the most influential things that I’ve heard in my life was a speech by Steve Jobs. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward, only looking back.” During times of adversity, this is especially true. When shitty things are happening, it is so easy to say “Why me? Why can’t I catch a damn break?” When you partake in this type of dialogue, you are placing yourself at the center of all the hardship. When all of your energy is focused on what is currently going wrong, you are trying your best to stand tall, but it’s like there is a group of dark, ominous clouds closing in on you. This can easily overwhelm and overpower even the strongest of people. But when you can step back and realize that the adversity you are currently facing is only a portion of your journey, it’s like you are standing at the beginning of a long road. The road stretches as far as you can imagine. The clouds will come and go, but you can see that there is a way through these rough patches and that there is more to the journey ahead.  

That being said, making sense of adversity will never be clear if you try to connect the dots looking forwards. The struggle you are currently facing, whatever that looks like, is leading you to something. It might be leading to a person, a specific moment in time, a place, an opportunity, an idea. The dots may connect 24 hours from now or 10 years from now. But you don’t know you’ve been led somewhere until you’re able to look back and see where you’ve come from. You can only connect the dots looking back. I think you will be surprised at the positive ways adversity can manifest itself if you just take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  

Practice Gratitude over Everything

There’s a lot going on in the world right now. Even when there is chaos around us, it doesn’t mean that our personal lives are perfectly still. The trials and tribulations of being human are just as prevalent as ever. No matter how much is going on in the world, there is always so much more to be thankful for than there is to be upset about.  

What was the first thing you did this morning? I’m going to guess: you opened your eyes. Were you thankful for that? Probably not consciously. We have a million and one blessings in our lives. Little things that really aren’t so little. When the majority of us wake up, we can see. Not only can we see, but also see in color. Maybe you have the blessing of being able to move your feet and walk. Maybe you are gifted enough to where you can run or even play sports. Maybe you have the ability to physically and verbally express yourself, to communicate.   

There is so much that even the most grateful people take for granted. Why? Because we are used to our lives being this way, so we expect it to happen again tomorrow. In reality, the life that you know today might not be the life you have tomorrow. You can either place your focus on the things that you don’t have and the things that go wrong, or, you can focus on all that you have to be grateful for. When you start to consciously appreciate all that you have, big or small, the world will immediately not seem as dark.  

Be Your Own Hero

Life can and will let you down at some point. Just as you have your own expectations for what your life should look like, so does everyone else. Life will not mold itself to fit your specific expectations. If you believe life will bend to fit your vision, you will find yourself disappointed. I don’t mean this in an overly pessimistic way, rather as a reminder to always keep in the back of your head.  

You are the only person you can count on with 100% certainty. Even the people you love and trust most are capable of letting you down. You need to learn to rely on yourself; to rely on your mental strength when life doesn’t go as planned; to rely on your sense of humor and gratitude to cheer you up when things go to shit. You just don’t know with complete certainty that someone else will be there to pick you up when you fall. At the end of the day, you need to be your own hero.  

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A wise, unknown American philosopher once said, “You can’t win ‘em all.” You just can’t. Life can be unbelievably hard. Everyone gets dealt their own hand of cards in life. Some hands are better than others, but no one gets through life without having a few bad cards. Instead of being upset, and wishing you got a different hand (something that’s entirely out of your control), learn to play with the cards you’ve been dealt. That means finding the right strategy to play your bad cards, too. I’ll tell you right now, crying isn’t the winning strategy. Don’t waste the opportunity in adversity. Don’t cry over SPILT MILK.

by Ari Ross - Strong Woman. Entrepreneur. Self-Proclaimed Occasional Dumbass.

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When Lobsters Fall from the Sky...

The Right Hook

There’s an old folk saying that goes something like, “some people forget to live as if a giant lobster could fall onto their head at any moment”. Or maybe you prefer Mike Tyson’s version: “everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face”. Either way, I think we can all agree that something horrible, shocking, and unprecedented has happened, and we don’t really know how to react to it. I think our first instinct, reflexively, is to compare this with historical events, because knowing that “we’ve been through this before” gives us peace of mind. I’ve seen people talk about the Vietnam War, 9/11, and the first SARS outbreak, but I’m 23 and don’t have that perspective. The closest parallel I can think of is the 2007 financial crisis, but back then I was trading Pokemon cards, not stocks. It just doesn’t carry the same emotional weight for me.

The Fool’s Game

So… what can we do? For me, the first step was to stop pressing for immediate answers and to embrace the uncertainty that’s sure to lie ahead in the next couple months. This is a difficult concept to grasp, especially in a culture that moves as quickly as ours. We expect our packages to arrive within the day, our crush to respond within the hour, our Uber driver to arrive within the minute, and our news to arrive within the second. The reality is that certain events just have longer time horizons, and that’s OK. I try not to focus on when this will all end - when I can go back to playing basketball again, when I can grab beers with friends again, when I can look like a roller-blading flamingo on the dance floor again - and instead focus on the fact that it will end. It may not be for months, it may not be for a year, but it will end. Coming to terms with this has been empowering. Instead of worrying about the fool’s game of prediction, it’s allowed me to focus on the things that really matter - mental/physical health, meaningful relationships, and laughter. 

The Long Game

My morning routine is simple. I go outside for a walk, grab a coffee from my favorite local store, and call my parents to see how they’re doing. Most of our conversations are unremarkable, but that’s not the point. It’s just a way for us to stay connected and to take a break from being assaulted by exponential graphs. Having run a small business in San Francisco for over 30 years, my parents have seen a lot of shit. They may have never experienced a global pandemic, but they’ve been hit by their fair share of lobsters falling from the sky. If there’s anything I’ve learned from them over the years, it’s that the key to being resilient is to visualize the best case and prepare for the worst case. Lean too much either way and you risk missing out on opportunities, or, worse, being knocked out cold by an unsuspecting haymaker from Mike Tyson. I think how you choose to respond to the current situation is no different. I personally lean towards the optimistic side, because I think it’s the healthier long-term perspective. It may not seem like it now, but a glass of SPILT MILK can still be half-full.

by Ben Geffner - Frontier Seeker. Disbeliever of Boredom. Professional Pants Ripper.

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Should Quarantine be a Catalyst?

Keeping Up with the Pace of the Game

On Friday nights, I have a Zoom call with some good friends from college. Even though it only lasts about an hour, it’s been a major factor in sustaining my social life through quarantine while in-person interaction isn’t possible. There’s something about seeing everyone’s faces and getting back to our usual shenanigans that gives me a boost until our next call. As I’m sure many of you have noticed on similar calls with family and friends, once you get above five people on a call, it’s difficult to figure out who should talk and how to manage the flow of the conversation. It makes you realize how many cues we miss when we’re unable to talk in-person. To solve this issue, I decided to start asking hopefully thought provoking questions, where we could go down the line and everyone could respond. After a recent call, one response from a friend stood out to me. The question was, “If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?” The answer was that he wished he focused less on comparing himself to others and more about progressing at his own pace. Especially with people constantly posting achievements and updates on social media, it’s been hard for many, including myself, not to feel that way.

Entering the Golden Age of Social Media

Over the next week, I thought more about this concept my friend had brought up and realized that this feeling had dissipated for me. With everyone holed up, businesses shut down or trying to survive, and people unable to go about their normal lives, there has been this forced pause. While the negative implications have been frustrating for nearly everyone, this situation has also created a sort of calm. We’ve been able to focus more on community and connection than feeling like we have to prove our progress. We’ve seen social media being used as it was originally intended, inspiring friends to share favorite albums, to stay fit or to give shout-outs to those you appreciate. There’s a level of togetherness that many of us have not seen before. As we’re in the midst of this shared experience during the pandemic, there’s been a shift from a disconnected world of individuals to a more close-knit community where people are actively supporting each other.  

Dance Like No One is Watching… and Keep Dancing

With that in mind, there has never been a better time than now to try new things, fail, learn and improve. With no one to watch or judge, we can finally focus on what we truly care about whether it’s ourselves or our relationships with family and friends. When everyone else is stuck thinking about what they can’t do right now, what can you accomplish when you’re competing against no one but yourself? When this is over, will we let the same pressures and attitudes return, or will we be able to use this crisis as a catalyst to get more out of ourselves and our lives? Will it be a missed opportunity to go back to the way things were and not go to the way they should be? For the world, only time can tell; but for ourselves, we have the power to decide these outcomes. Live in the moment. Have fun. Give thanks. Don’t cry over SPILT MILK.

by Max Palladini - Strategist. Auto-enthusiast. Aspiring sneaker-head. SoCal native.

Follow Max on Instagram @maxpalladini and connect with him on LinkedIn here.